Resume Building

I have come to realize that I have some new skills - truly life resume builders. Please note the following:
1. Can put down 10 or more pills in one big gulp. Previously would gag on a single vitamin pill. Here's the countdown: one warfarin, 4 vitamin D's, two ginger capsules, one L-lysine, 1 zinc tablet, and an antacid or melatonin depending on the time of day. Nice. Vitamin pills I take in a liquid form - I know, kinda sissy but that's how I like em.
2. I have no fear of a big belly. The chemo/steroid bloat is astounding. I require the Chief Inspector to review it often (yes she says, Baby Phoma is showing again today, yes she says, Baby Phoma is getting smaller today, and on and on...after all she is in charge of inspections!) I don't even try to hide it - my only desire is daily comfort.
3. I snore with abandonment! Everyone snores in chemo - and I am no exception. I can hear myself snoring somewhere in the fog of chemo infusion and I don't even care. I think it's cause we're all on our backs in those Archie Bunker style recliners. On chemo #2 (before I knew better) Allyce and Jessica and I were yucking it up and the nurse told us to be quiet because people were trying to sleep. That only made us laugh more since there was only one other person in chemo at the time and she was snoring so loud we could hardly hear each other. Trust me, every chemo from then on I was part of the snoring chorus.
4. I can joke about cancer. Not every one has this privilege. It's rude, it makes people laugh nervously. I like it. The Chief Inspector says I do it so much that it makes her feel like she's getting cancer. This makes people even more nervous. It's delicious.
5. I know how to move my bowels. Okay, anyone of a certain younger age will not appreciate this skill. You will think it does not matter - but in the end you will be wrong. You will come to wish that you had this skill in time. My advice - a very large glass of warmish-hot water first thing in the morning. You'll rue the day that you didn't take note of this.
6. I forget that my hair is chemo style - seriously. I asked Dr. Chemistry if I could start riding the bus in three months if I wore gloves to ward off the germs. She said that would work if I didn't mind people looking at me - and I had to think for a minute before I realized that they are looking at my white/gray haired crew cut chemo styled head anyway. Maybe people think I'm making a political statement with my hairdo - and maybe I am. My political statement is "I just had chemo and forgot about hair."
7. I can look way better than I feel. That is why it is so important to "dress" for chemo - and have on good earrings and a great hat. You can fool people into thinking you feel better than you really do with a great outfit - then they tell you you look great and you start believing the spin and then you feel better. It's seems ridiculous, but it works.
8. I am a germ-a-phobic and proud owner of many bottles of hand sanitizer. As a result, I have not been sick once during chemo. I would note that most of our office has been well this winter too so take that you people who resist using the hand sanitizer outside our office and you KNOW who you are. My friend DJ gave me some inside tips on avoiding germs and I plan on using them from here on out. But I am creeped out by hand rails and bathroom faucets.
9. I can sleep in my office. I have a quilt that my friends from work made that is covered with lovely messages. I put it over my head while laying back in my recliner that Frank got for me and total zone out. When I wake up I'm not sure where I am at first. Then I am relieved when I realize it is still daytime and I can shake off the sleep and get back to my very important work.
10. I can get myself to go back to sleep - even when I'm up every two hours. This is big, almost as big as the move the bowels thing. Trust me you whippersnappers who doubt - your day will come. One day you too will be old enough to need to pee every few hours and you will wish you had my skills.

As you can see, I'm ready for anything. A highly skilled urban professional ready to face this limping economy with glee. You just can't find a conference or workshop that could teach you these skills. It's the training course called LIFE - sponsored by experience and endorsed by been-there-done-that.