Words of Wisdom From Aunt Vu

A California biker is out in the beauty of nature and God decides to grant him one wish...The biker after a little thought asks for a bridge from California to Hawaii so that he can ride his bike over to the islands.  God says to the biker,"Isn't there something a little less materialistic that you might ask for?  Something of more substance."  The biker thinks again and then asks to understand what his wife is feeling - when she is crying and says it's nothing he would like to know what she is feeling - he would like to understand her thoughts.  God responded,"Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Getting Your Fence Posts In

Thursday night my sister Dianne (Annie Bananie as she is known to the clan) had a horrible fright as did all of us along with her. It involved a call to 911, an ambulance trip and a blood clot that moved swiftly through her leaving her short of breath. All of us on the sidelines could hardly breath ourselves. She's still in the hospital getting sorted out. Once we know she's ok I think the entire family will retreat to our beds and put the covers over our heads. So now AB is getting lectures far and wide about setting boundaries on what she does...it's not easy getting the fence posts in the right places. She has a lot to give - but part of that giving has to go to herself. Maybe she can put in a few gates that she can open now and again when she's up to it, and put the lock on her side of the fence so she can monitor strays. AB is famous for taking in strays. But limits are going to have to be set. To be honest, I'm one to talk. I over did it today and am beat into the ground. I get tired of being tired. I finally organized and put the Christmas stuff away that I had chucked in the basement. It was scheduled to be done in January before lymphoma rudely got in the way. Hugs and love to AB. She's in for the adventure of her life that much I know.
P.S. Had a scan on Friday - results next Friday.

240 Hours

Several years ago my friend Kat and I use to have a gratitude journal...which is to say that each day we would think of something nice to say about our work or our lives and tell each other.  Was thinking Ms. Kitty-Kat that it's time to dust off the gratitude journal again.  So - here's what I got:

10 chemo free days
Ten big ones
TEN GLORIOUS CHEMO FREE DAYS (regardless of how I feel)
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1!!!!
T to the E to the N days
9 days plus one bonus day
Ten-tashalicious days
Gobs of hours...240 hours...

Mark it in the journal in big bold RED ink. 

Love that.

Who I Am

My hair is gone in patches (but mostly gone)
My eye brows are half their original look
My eyelashes are in funny little clumps
My belly is swollen
My arms and legs are weak in comparison to where I started
My stomach is uncertain about a lot of things...hmmm...
My brain is fuzzy on the edges.

But I am not hair, or eyebrows, or eyelashes, or a belly, or legs, arms, stomach or brain...

I am what is in my heart and what I share with others - and what I take in from the world.

I am one of the lucky, lucky few who gets a glimpse of this while there is much more living ahead of me.

I will not forget.

Pushing Me Through

I got the loveliest email from my friend Scott last week asking how I  doing with the chemo..."only two more to go Mary.  We'll push you through them if that is what you need.   If nothing else, we'll help you laugh through them anyway."  I thought about this "pushing through" a lot since then, and realized that my family and friends have been pushing me through this whole experience.  Each email, text, prayer, candle lit, kindness shown, good thought, errand run, book sent, meal cooked, and more have literally pushed me through.  Last week I was on the phone with a person inquiring about some work we are doing in Salt Lake City and I told him about the chemo (meaning brain fried) and that I would need to bring in another colleague to fill in the details.  He said that Mother Nature is a powerful source and that he would go "talk to a tree" for me...see what I mean? Push, push, push at every (important) turn.  I have to say that I'm grateful for all the pushiness...that when folks tell me I'm strong and courageous I wish they could see the big crowd standing behind me with their hands outstretched ready to hold me up and nudge me along.  Julie and Scott will be up for lunch on Thursday to help with another shove and I'll be glad for the boost.  Thank you everyone for keeping me on my feet - even when I didn't want to be there.

Innies and Outies

All last week I counted the minutes until BSJ(Baby Sister Jan) would be here from D.C. via her business meeting in Denver.  It was a long hard week and the anticipation of BSJ was something to help get me through.  It didn't help that it was gray and rainy all week either - but BSJ brought the sunshine with her.  Over lunch with the fab four on Friday I was bugging and prodding someone and BSJ said,"Where did you come from??  Everyone at this table is an introvert but you!"  Which I thought was so hilarious because I was thinking where did they all come from?? (as any true extrovert would think!)  This is why when I am with my extended family tribe I am always so comfortable - it's LOADED with extroverts (come on tribe members, fess up.)  So I told BSJ I would be writing a post about her and she said NO, don't out her in a post because that is too much for an innie.  As an outie though it would be a shame to not mention that BSJ took me on a ride up American Fork canyon when I was feeling low and gross...and she is the one who suggested maybe if we stopped at one of the campsites and I took my hat off that we might score a roasted hot dog that smelled so good even from the road.  I also shouldn't spill the beans on the fact that she helped with weeding in the yard, ran errands for me, bought me a new dress and told me to slow down and rest all weekend.  The Chief Researcher made us lovely meals and BSJ and I also got time to loaf around and read magazines.  But this information should stay quiet to respect the innie side of BSJ, even though I told her when I jumped in her bed at 5 am on Sunday (she was still on D.C. time) that she might get it in a post...it's not enough that I'm an extrovert I'm also a morning lark...rise and shine at 5 am!  So Jannie...I totally respect your need for privacy.  But please come back soon...I need some more of that solitude with you again.  Miss you already.

Dear Target Pharmacy...

Dear Target Pharmacy,
Please remove my prescription for prednisone from your auto-refill program.  I don't think it is funny.
Sincerely,
Ms. DeLaMare-Lunatic-Schaefer

Post script on this (so far) sleepless night...

I'm too hot...
I'm too cold...
The top of my head is freezing...
The sides of my head are sweating...
I put on a beanie and my whole head is sweaty...
My feet stay neutral (cowards)...
Until the foot cramps start...
I throw off the beanie and lose it in the sheets...
Now I'm too cold...
and I can't find the beanie...
I try to throw the quilt over my now cold head and I get sweaty all over...
The nightly post-chemo ritual starts again...
I'm too hot...
I'm too cold...(second verse same as the first, a little bit louder a little bit worse.)

Any menopausal friends know this tune?  Come on, sing along...it'll be FUN.  Like camp for the over 40 crowd...and who doesn't love girls camp!

Ten Things I Know About Cancer...So Far...

Got no sugarplums dancing in my head, just leftovers of my prednisone whirling dervishes so might as well document  what I've learned so far about cancer:

1.   Sadly, chocolate does not always taste good.
2.   A good hat or well wrapped head scarf can carry the day.
3.   Eating helps, even if it seems gross.
4.   Drugs can make your emotions turn on a dime - meaning raving lunatic.
5.   Little things are what make the day - everyday.
6.   Being able to sleep is pure joy.
7.   Not being able to sleep is pure hell.
8.   Better living through chemistry is an overstated fact.
9.   It's not about facing death, it's about living life right now, right this second, every second.
10. Loving everything about your life, even that which seems challenging and bizarre, is possible, doable, and frankly worth doing.

Am working on the next ten...till then wish me luck on the snoozing scene.

Oh Chile, Y'all Should Listen to Yo Momma

Spent the better part of the yesterday in bed with post-chemo Baby Phoma...reading (thanks to T.A.)Paula Deen's memoir about living through some very, very, hard times and being happy to wake up on "the other side of the dirt" as she calls it. That chile wears me out. Paula would tell this chemo baby to listen to "yo momma" for sure...last night (if you can call it a night) that new born had me up at midnight, one, two, three, four, and six am peeing and sweating the night away...typical kid. The day after nausea is starting to quell and maybe I'll go get me some grits...(HA). Paula ends her book with "I'm thrown all my stinkin thinkin out the window" so I'm with her. Here's to a better day, one day at a time.
Lots of suga to ya'll,
Mary

Had the WHOLE Look On Yesterday

Yesterday I got the A-Ok on my eye from Doctor Retina...but I left with only one eye dilated.  I mean why not complete the whole look...bald head and looking like a cyclop.  Shelly said I had a cat look going on.  No need to clean my paws...I shook my tail and went on my way.

Three Tales of ...You guessed it...Lymphoma

Chapter 1

On January 18th the colon doc told me I had lymphoma, but my oncology appointment was not until the 24th...(she was out of town.)  I elected to stay off the Internet.  I didn't want to fill my mind with info that it had no way to process.  I was grateful for the time before the oncology appointment so that I could let my mind catch up to where my body had landed.  Finally, the night before I met "Dr.Chemistry" I decided I should at least know the definition of what had been identified as my now "sit-u-a-shun."  What follows is the first item that showed up on my google search...(since then it took several serious searches to re-find the site):

"Your Lymphatic System is Like a Map

The lymphatic system is like a detailed road map with large dots (cities), small dots (towns), and a bunch of thin lines (roads). You can think of the map as your body and the network of dots and lines as your lymphatic system.
On this map, each lymphocyte is a person. Each town is a lymph node, a place where there are a lot of lymphocytes. Each city is a cluster of lymph nodes. And each road is a lymphatic vessel. Just as people use roads to get where they're going, lymphocytes use lymphatic vessels to get where they're going.

Invasion of Lymph Node "Cities"

Lymphoma is like a city whose mayor has gone mad and designs a machine to crank out drones who have one purpose: to make sure he stays in office. These "people" consume resources but don't give back to the community. The mayor just keeps cranking them out and at first, no one notices because they fit in quite nicely. But eventually, they overcrowd the city and even cripple it. If given enough time, the drones will hitchhike down the road to a new town and cripple it as well.
That's why someone needs to monitor the city, and that someone is you. The first step is to realize that the mayor is nuts (via colon cancer screening or symptoms). The second step is to remove him from office (via treatment)." (from about.com)

Having worked for city government for the past 29 years this couldn't have hit the spot better...and trust me I've known a nutty Mayor or two in my time.  You just can't make something this good up - I shut down the computer.  I didn't need a bit more info to start my journey.  Thank you angels of the Patron Saint of Lymphoma Release.  You rocked my socks and set my head straight.

Chapter 2

Genius was attending her Radioactive Chemistry Class.  The professor, feeling clever and in the object teaching moment I suppose, used the example of a Marshmellow Man (think Easter timing) who had and "egg" size tumor...yes...Marshmellow Man had lymphoma and would use radioactive chemistry (PET scan) to learn about the progress of the condition.

Genius turned to her friend Jessica and said,

"Uh...this is AWKWARD..."

Not so funny Mr. Professor-man.

Chapter 3

Trying to stay up until 10 pm (so that I wouldn't be up at 2 am) I flipped channels on the TV in search of something, anything, to watch.  Ah, another medical show to watch - and lo and behold a woman (6 months pregnant) is taken into one of those serious doctor conference room and told....gulp...you...have...lymphoma. Treatment would be chemotherapy.  Now the show had my attention.  My full attention.  And by the way, there were not two doctors in a nice conference room breaking the news to me gently - HA.  The woman had to decide whether or not to deliver the baby early and start treatment...or wait and who knows what.  Now I had to watch the WHOLE show to learn the outcome.  There was some intervening dramatic details, but in the end she had a c-section and started treatment.  Not a word about hair loss, nausea, aches and shakes, and treatment outcome.  BARF - nothing exciting here.  Sucked in by dumb TV.  I better write my own scripts in the future.  I want details on the treatments, the chemical impacts, and for crying out loud the RESULTS.  Would probably end up on PBS with the only commercial endorsements from hemorrhoid remedy companies but I'm good with that business.  My whole family, the entire extended clan, would tune in for sure and call in during the phone-a-thon to raise money for the station. Hell, they'd be working the phones.

Three for the Money

During the last week the van had an irrepairable flat tire, the saturn flunked the safety inspection and the dishwasher circuit board burnt to a crisp...(thank heavens we have six dishwashers at home.)  A typical spring "in like a lion" response to our bad appliance karma.  We almost always buy extended warranties and the manufacturer loses money on us.  In the context of life these events seem not so big deal.  Glad to have the "three" behind us.  While it seems like the not-so-nice things happen in threes, the great stuff seems to know no limits.  Lots to report in that area:  friends invited me to lunch, chocolate dipped strawberries (huge, like baseballs) showed up on my desk, another new scarf (among many)showed up in the mail with awesome earrings (ah, Suz, you are like Santa and the Easter Bunny all rolled into one each week), errands run by darling daughters, dinner with the beautiful and witty sons,a field trip to see the tulips and daffodils downtown by a thoughtful friend, gorgeous yummy organic eggs from a friend's nearby "farm"...on and on it goes.  The universe has a way of over compensating for the threesome...and ain't that grand. AND, got through another week.  Still another week till chemo comes around again - and that is the biggest pleasure of all.
Love is a many splendor thing,
Mary
P.S. And I didn't crank, not once, about my chemo-ed state in this post.  SAWEEEEET.
P.P.S.  Just counted - only 7 weeks till my 8th chemo (Maybe a good title for a country western song...hmmm)

I'm getting what I asked for...oh yeah baby

I decided to give the chemo permission to do what it needs to...
A hall pass
A green card
Full house access
An all day ticket
Free play zone
A shopping extravaganza
Pass go every time...and collect $200
Bingo up, down and sideways...AND ACROSS EVERY ANGLE (heh, heh)

WHEW...

and chemo in turn slurped it all up and went to town and back again and TO TOWN AGAIN!!!  Good on you chemo...I'll take that fatigue and those quirky body shakes as a nod to your extreme success.
MUWAH (air kiss on you)
Mary

Anyone Out There Up for A Challenge???

I'm sick of chemo, sick of being tired, sick of drug induced annoyances...yaddah yaddah yaddah...so anyone up for a challenge? I'm challenging myself to do 5 push ups a day - the cheater "girls P.E." kind...cause that's all I can do.

You in??? The gauntlet has been thrown...if not 5 push-ups, then what you good for??? Huh??? Get your tough on. It's time.